"Ocarina of Time: The Abridged Script"
Ocarina of Time: The Abridged Script
INT. LINK'S ROOM
NAVI appears, runs her head into a wall, and does a bunch of
other zany antics. This is FUNNY... to five-year olds. The
antics wake up latest incarnation of LINK.
BOY LINK
Hi. I am an orphan from war left in a
care of some isolated but powerful race
of... children that don't age. Ten
seconds in and already this game isn't
making sense.
NAVI
Hey! No time to explain. Go see the
Great Deku Tree!
BOY LINK
(stares at flying ball of light)
What the - ? I thought you only come out
of bushes or rocks I pull from the
ground?
NAVI
Listen! The only reason for my existence
is so that I can help you pee straight.
How ridiculous is that? Let's go!
Most of the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS, after witnessing this
horrible travesty done to one of Disney's greatest classics,
breaks the N64 and leaves.
EXT. NEVER NEVERLAND
A bunch of KOKIRI ADULT-CHILDREN-ELVES prance around with
their own FLYING BALLS OF LIGHT. Link and Navi meet the
GREAT DEKU TREE.
GREAT DEKU TREE
Link, thou hast arrived. A vile climate
pervades this world. Verily, ye have...
BOY LINK
I'm ten. I don't understand that.
GREAT DEKU TREE
I see then. Well listen, I will die
eventually, but first enter this dungeon
I have cleverly designed for you and heal
me a little bit so I may destroy
continuity of this game.
BOY LINK
Actually, I think I'm going to go pack my
bags and wander as a hero for hire like
the previous Links.
GREAT DEKU TREE
Don't make me perform Hamlet on you.
Link runs screaming into the dungeon.
INT. DUNGEON
Link uses 3-DIMENSIONAL POWERS to beat LEVEL by finding
COMPASS, MAP, and LEVEL ITEM, and LEVEL BOSS. In other
words, Link experiences LEGEND OF ZELDA and EVERY ZELDA GAME
TO DATE over again.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
A-Ha-Ha-Ha! Now that I have a 64-bit
platform, I can now confuse and annoy you
gamers with spontaneous camera rotations!
Take this!
The camera EXPLODES, gyrating wildly about. First-person
views RE-ORIENT and spin around like an ICE SKATER on CRYSTAL
METH. This is CHALLENGING.
Eventually, Link leaves Dungeon and meets MIND-BOGGLINGLY
SLOW explanation of PLOT which we have already deduced from
previous games and LONG EXPOSITORY INTRO.
EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
GIRL MALON
I am a pathetic plot device. Desire me
in seven years after your ridiculous
quest to wipe out this ignoramus.
BOY LINK
Quest?
(looks around)
I see.
Link encounters FAT WOMEN with beards, GAY CARPENTERS, and
other HOMOSEXUAL ELEMENTS of Zelda 64. This is also FUNNY.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
The world really is a diverse place
outside my riches and wealth.
BOY LINK
That's stereotyping, you ignorant
asshole.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
Oh snap...
(pause)
Hmm... you are a boy, therefore, you must
be playful. Please play my myriad of
mini-games to distract you from plot
then.
BOY LINK
Ooh! Games!
NAVI
Hey! Listen! Let's try to get back to
the quest here. See Zelda!
Link makes his way to Hyrule Castle while encountering GOOFY
CHARACTERS on the way. He meets ZELDA.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
My precocity has provided for me a vision
of the future. Ganondorf, the second
stranger to betray my imbecilic father in
this series, will ruin the land unless we
two children do something.
Link peers through the window and sees GANONDORF. Ganondorf
wears black boots, black cloak, black skin, big black horse,
and anything else black you can reveal without getting a
Parental Advisory. He is EVIL.
GANONDORF
I am somehow failing to understand you
are a threat to me despite repeated ass-
kickings from your older self versions.
(looks evil)
This frightens Link.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Now Link, I need you to go recover the
three mystical stones together from
dangerous dungeons before he does.
BOY LINK
????
(pause)
You're pitting me, a boy for the love
of Mike, against a madman who can quite
clearly kick my ass into next Saturday
on a life and death mission? You must
be the second dumbest character in
creation!
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Impa! Send him on his way!
SMALL LINK
I'd like to see your old nurse try.
Suddenly, IMPA appears, in her WWE alter ego, CHYNA.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
How the hell did this happen?
Impa pulls Link by his ear out into Hyrule Field.
IMPA
Link, I am a Gerudos, and so is
Ganondorf. You see, only one man is born
in our Amazonian society every 100 years,
and by law, we must raise him to be all
powerful. How we breed is a complete
mystery.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
How do you like that pile of horseshit I
pulled out my ass? Ha-Ha! Speaking of,
here's a horse to play with!
Link leaves and repeats the DUNGEON PROCESS over again with
Zora's Domain and Death Mountain. Link WINS.
BOY LINK
I accomplished my quest within a
reasonable amount of playing time.
Something doesn't feel right.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Uh-oh. Maybe I did screw up.
Link stares blankly at Zelda.
BOY LINK
You can't tell from my expressionless
face, but I'm staring at you with
disgusted contempt right now.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
But... but... I thought we were meant for
each other?
BOY LINK
Since when? Our relationship has always
been platonic, except for that godawful
cartoon years ago that no one in their
right mind will acknowledge. Anything
more than that is just a mindless
construct of a fanboy's wet dream. Read
fan-fiction.
Link returns to the TEMPLE OF TIME, summons some magic to
open a BIG DOOR, and discovers MASTER SWORD.
GANONDORF
Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha! You have fallen victim to
my ingenious plot!
Ganondorf sneaks up behind Link and STEALS Triforce. Link
passes out sans all explanation.
INT. SACRED REALM
Link wakes up seven years later and becomes MAN LINK.
MAN LINK
What the hell was all that? Explain this
Older Zelda.
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
I do not know whom you are referring to.
I am Sheik. Because you are the Chosen
One, we had to freeze you so your body
may age older and fight Ganondorf one on
one, even though you'd still have the
mind of a child.
MAN LINK
That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard.
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
Perhaps. Now let me teach you several
songs that will allow you to warp around
this world so you can gather more stones
for me.
Link leaves and repeats DUNGEON PROCESS half dozen more times
while meeting some more GOOFY CHARACTERS. He returns to
Hyrule Castle for dramatic climactic battle.
EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE reveals herself to be ZELDA even though
it's pretty damn obvious who it was being she was the only
character left with more than ONE LINE OF DIALOGUE.
Man Link arrives and beats the holy hell out of Ganondorf
with INTENSE A BUTTON, B BUTTON, combination attacks...
twice.
GANONDORF
It appears each of you characters have a
piece of your own triforce that has
provided some power to counteract my own.
How all of this eluded me from the getgo
shows what a tremendous moron I am.
(dies)
OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
Now we can seal Ganondorf inside the Evil
Realm.
MAN LINK
Okay, so I killed Ganondorf in THIS
timeline. Assuming any of this time
travel bullshit makes sense, what is to
prevent him from doing this over again in
the past? Unless you're planning on
sending me...
OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
I have another billiant idea! I'll just
use my super Princess powers to teleport
you back in time and we'll pretend this
monstrosity never happened.
MAN LINK
But...
Link TELEPORTS back to the Temple of Time.
BOY LINK
Oh well. Good riddance that's over with.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
Nonsense. My irrepressible ego has
spawned another senseless sequel... Mask
of Find Item and Kill Boss with first-
person Goldeneye shooter mini-game!!
NAVI
What? You're on your own, Link.
(leaves)
GAME OVER.
|
New Fan Works