New Fan Works
Old Fan Works
The Kidnapping or “When Girls Go Psycho”
By: Crystal Sapphire
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Zelda characters except Gem. (Flubby invented Gori.) So therefore Nintendo can’t sue me cuz I am saying this! Anyhoo, try to enjoy my story.
“Ingo, why must my life be so messed up?” Link said to his shrink, Ingo. “First off, I’m stuck with this ‘hero’ problem. I always have to be the hero. And if you are a hero you gotta be handsome, right?”
“What are you getting at Link?” Ingo asked.
“What I’m getting at is that I am handsome, and if you’re handsome girls won’t leave you alone!”
“Link, we’ve been through this. I already apologize for sending you to Camp Girl. Didn’t you say you met someone there?”
“Yes I did. Her name is G-gem, I married her. Biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.”
“Why was it a mistake Link?”
“I married a consecutive bitch!” Link yelled.
“Please no swearing in my office Link. If she’s a...how should I put this? Fine, consecutive bitch, why don’t you simply get a divorce?”
“Oh, but I did Ingo. She took my life savings among other things when we divorced. Not to mention one year of my life,” Link said sorrowfully.
“So how are you going to pay me if you are broke?”
“Put it on my tab Ingo. Anyway I have been living with the professor dude at Lake Hylia, but he evicted me for some reason. Now I have no money, no house, no life, and worst of all, no green hat!”
“What happened to your hat?”
“That bitch wouldn’t give it back,” Link stated flatly.
“I’m so sorry. Did you say you have no house?”
“Yup, and I have nowhere else to go. I can’t go to Kokiri Forest, Hyrule Market, Gerudo’s Fortress, Kakariko Village, Zora’s Domain, or Lon Lon Ranch.”
“You can’t go to these places why?” Ingo asked.
“Women, women, and women. They’re everywhere!”
“That is a problem,” Ingo thought for a minute, “Why don’t you go live with the Gorons for a while? Until you get back on your feet.”
“That’s a great idea Ingo! Thanks gotta go.”
“You owe me five-hundred rupees for this session.
Don’t forget,” Ingo hollered at Link.
Just gotta get past through Kakariko without being seen by that-that woman! Link thought. Oh goddesses I have to pass her house to get to Death Mountain Trail! The lights to Gem’s house flickered on.
“Crap!” Link muttered. If Link were racing the marathon man, we would’ve won by a landside.
“You cannot pass kid,” the guard said by the entrance to Death Mountain.
“You gotta let me pass,” Link said panicking. “My ex-wife is after me. If G-gem catches me she’ll–”
“Egads! If Gem is after you by all means get out of here before she gets to your soul.”
“She already has,” Link mumbled, running through the gate. Link barely escaped as Gem came walking up to the guard.
“Get back witch,” the guard said, terrified to see Gem.
“Did you just let a man through here wearing a green tunic and tights?”
“That’s none of your business, and they were spandex,”
“Oh but it is,” Gem whispered, “I will get him back
Link was running as fast as he could away from Kakariko Village. Gotta run away! Link thought. He then saw a shadow. Please don’t let it be–
“Aw man I completely forgot about you Gori,” Link said exasperated. Man she’s more annoying than Zelda, Malon, Nabooru, Saria, and Ruto put together! Not to mention butt-ugly.
“I haven’t seen you since Camp Girl, and that was about a year ago!” Gori the goron shrieked happily. “What have you been doin’?”
I can’t believe she forgot I got married! “I’ve been in an insane asylum, Gori. Now if you would excuse me, I need to talk to Darunia.”
“Why do you need to see Daddy?”
“H-he’s your dad?” Link said mournfully.
“Yup,” Gori said happily, “I’ll take you to him only if you become my boyfriend. Ooo that would make all of your girlfriends jealous.”
“I can see him myself, and there is no way I’m gonna go out with an ugly, annoying rock-thing like you!” Link yelled running to Goron City.
“He’s sooo cute when he’s all mad,” Gori said dreamily. After fifteen minutes of running, Link found himself at the entrance of Goron City. He saw Goron Link at the entrance.
“Hey GL. I gotta see your dad,” Link said.
“He’s in his room as usual,” GL said.
“Thanks. Hey GL, why didn’t you tell me you had a sister?”
“Oh mean Gori? She’s an embarrassment in my opinion, so I don’t talk about her that much. Don’t tell Dad I said that!”
“I won’t,” Link said as he walked off to Darunia’s room. Little did he know what was waiting for him, “Hey Daru– Z-zelda! Ahh! What are you doing here? Where’s Darunia?”
“Darunia is tied up at the moment, Link,” Zelda said cackling.
“Yo, crazy girl you are freaking me out,” Link said backing into a corner.
“How’s....Gem Link?” Malon said creeping up on him and grabbing him.
“G-g-gem!” Link stuttered with his eye twitching.
“Looks like your dream was right, princess, it seems he has broken up with her,” Malon said to Zelda attempting to tie Link up. Link began to struggle, “A little help, princess?” Zelda sighed and helped Malon get Link under control. Gori then walked in the room.
“Oh hi guys! Playing musical chairs? Where’s Daddy?”
“Up at the Great Fairy’s Fountain tied up guarded by Nabooru, Ruto, and Saria,” Malon said casually eyeing Gori, “Would you be so kind to tell the girls that ‘the green eagle has landed’ and after five minutes you can untie Darunia. Got that?”
“Ok!” Gori said skipping (more like stomping) away.
“What an idiotic moron!” Zelda said.
“You guys are really creeping me out,” Link said with a touch of fear in his voice. Malon and Zelda just laughed. Malon then grabbed his sword.
“You won’t be needing this at the moment honey,” Malon said sweetly and she equipped it to herself. Link started to talk gibberish.
“I guess he was attached to that sword,” Zelda said. “He looks cute with his eye bulging like that.” Link stopped his gibberish.
“Stop with the ‘cute’ mumbo jumbo!” Link said through gritted teeth. Then there was holler heard that sounded like ‘They found him. Joy!’ Nabooru, Ruto, and Saria then ran into Darunia’s room.
“Gori let Darunia go to soon!” Saria yelped.
“Curse that Gori! Can’t she listen to orders?” Malon said, exasperated.
“We’d better warp out of here,” Zelda said keeping her cool. The whole room began to blur together and then everyone was surrounded by pink light and then they started to get pulled somewhere. They ended up in Sacred Forest Meadow.
“H-how’d you do that?” Link asked nervously.
“I’m a sage, remember?” Zelda said. Link lifted an eyebrow. “It’s true! Remember you saved me from Ganon?”
“All I remember is Camp Girl.”
“Oh great, just great. Link forgot who he is!” Saria cried. Link started to laugh.
“Psych!” Link said. Everyone groaned. “Um, guys? Could you please untie me? I need to go.”
“You are going nowhere,” Ruto said evilly.
“Please? I really need to take a piss!”
“Link. You do not speak like that in front of royalty,” Zelda and Ruto scolded while Nabooru wondered why.
“I don’t mind,” Nabooru said.
“We do!” Ruto and Zelda said. “Besides you don’t count.” Nabooru just grumbled pulling out her lance and started to clean it.
“Well how about wiz?” Link asked. Bad looks,
“tinkle?” more looks.
15 minutes later
“Urinate? No? How about relieve myself?”
“You may go do your business in the corner,” Zelda
said untying Link.
“Hide you away,” Saria stated.
“Why must you guys annoy me so?” Link whined.
“We haven’t seen you in like a year! We have to
make up for lost time,” Ruto said happily. Oh great.... I’m stuck
with these obsessive women for who knows how long! I just hope they
don’t get any perverted ideas! Link thought.
“So where are you gonna hide me, my dear posse?” Link asked.
“We are going to hide you in the Lost Woods, of course. And with Saria as our guide, we will never run into monster trouble since she’s Kokiri. That also means you won’t be needing your sword,” Nabooru said.
“Who knows? Maybe you’ll even learn that you are madly in love with one of us,” Malon said dreamily.
“With one of you? Not in a billion years!”
Link pratically screamed. The girls just giggled and carried Link
into the deep part of the lost woods.
Half an hour later
“Well, here we are! Home sweet home,” Malon said cheerfully.
“W-where’s the villa?” Zelda asked horrified
“We have to build it silly,” Saria said giggling.
“Count me out,” Zelda said haughtily, “princesses don’t–”
“Ooo afwaid of getting your hands diwty?” Malon said in a baby voice.
“Watch it, farm girl, I sprained your wrist once, I can do it again.”
“And I could give you a new black eye to match your dress.”
“Goody a catfight!” Link said excitedly. Indeed Link was right, there was a catfight. Zelda and Malon got in a fight (again).
“We have to stop them before they kill each other!” Nabooru hissed.
“Two less girls to worry about,” Link mumbled attempting to pull his boot off to get out an annoying rock. That’s it! My Swiss army knife in my boot! I could cut the ropes. They aren’t terribly thick.
“Please stop fighting!” Saria cried, also attempting to stop the fight. Just a little more... got it! Link managed to grab his pocketknife doing some weird yoga exercise. Good thing I bought that yoga book instead of insurance! Oh good I cut the rope! Link crept away from the fight and began to run away until he was out of eye and earshot. He then saw a shadow of some sort. He reached for his sword and realized Malon still had it. He had to go back to the girls or perhaps run into a moblin. He thought he had slight more of a chance to go back to the girls. He ran back to the girls sadly.
“So why are you guys fighting again?” Link asked the two beat up women.
“We were fighting because......Link! How did you get untied?!”
“I called on the mighty Farore to cut loose my ropes and smite all of you, but so far I only got half of the wish,” Link said trying not to laugh at the girls horrified faces, “Psych!” All the girls groaned.
“You have the worst sense of humor Link,” Saria said.
“Well, what can I say? Oh I have a question. Do I have the honors of building this ‘villa’?”
“Well......yes. Why didn’t you run away from us when you had the chance?” Malon asked.
“Without my sword?” Link said, mock horrified. “Well you guys go and cut down some trees, be sure you take Saria so you will have no trouble.”
“Me cut down trees? That’s a funny thought Link,” Zelda said giving a weak chuckle.
“To think some people say you’re a tomboy! Do you want your villa or not? Go cut down some trees.” Zelda just grumbled trudging off with the other girls mumbling about proving she is a tomboy. Saria stayed behind.
“Go with them Saria. Don’t worry they can’t even break a toothpick in half, let alone killing one of your precious trees.” Saria gave a weak smile and ran to catch up with the other girls. Malon stayed to guard Link.
“Where are we going to live if we don’t get any lumber?” Malon asked.
“Should’ve thought about that before kidnapping me,” Link said.
“Link, listen. I know you are mad at us for doing this, but there is another reason why we kidnapped you,” Malon said putting her head on his shoulder, “There was another part to Zelda’s dream that a pure evil thing was after you. It seemed to be someone with black and green, so we–”
“–took me into hiding and thought that you could also get me to fall for one of you,” Link said finishing Malon’s sentence. “Would you be so kind to take your head off my shoulder?” Malon blushed and took her head off his shoulder.
“Um Link. I’ve been meaning to ask you something. What happened to your hat?”
“That bitch wouldn’t give it back to me!”
“G-g-gem!” Link stuttered with his eye twitching again.
“Sorry I asked,” Malon said quickly, “She really did just use you for pleasure. Anyway about the house....”
“Oh yeah the house!” Link said, completely forgetting about Gem. “I have an idea, but I’m not sure if it’ll work.” Link looked up at the sky and said, “Hey Farore! You still owe me for beating you in poker.” Farore suddenly materialized in front of them.
“What would you like? But make it snappy, Nayru’s on the warpath because Din lost her favorite Beanie Baby.”
“She collects Beanie Babies?” Malon said skeptically.
“Farore, if it’s not too much trouble, I would like a villa right here with a swimming pool, archery range, gym, a deluxe kitchen, and a satellite dish with 1,000 channels. Not to mention the necessary needs,” Link said.
“Okey dokey!” Farore said clapping her hands three times. All the stuff appeared, “Don’t forget about this Friday at 7:00 poker night ya know.”
“Maybe we should hold it here, Farore,” Link said.
“K, I’ll tell my sisters. Man I hope they found that stupid thing,” Farore said disappearing.
“Wow! That was nice of Farore,” Malon said
looking at the house.
Link and Malon were gazing at the new house wondering if it was for real. The girls came back with no lumber just as Link predicted.
“Link, I’m afraid to say that we didn’t get any.......whoa what happened here?” Zelda asked.
“I asked Farore to come down and build us a villa and she did,” Link said casually.
“Link, the goddesses have better things to do than just grant your wishes,” Ruto said.
“They were counselors at Camp Girl,” Link said.
“Those were the oracles,” Zelda said.
“Fine whatever,” Link said. It’s best to just agree with Zelda even if I am right. “Well anyway, I have poker night with the goddesses tomorrow so just to warn you will see them whether you believe me or not.”
“You’ll never stop with the sarcasm will you?” Ruto said, “But that is just one of your heavenly features.”
“Oh goddesses! Why is everyone so obsessed with me and my looks?!”
“Freak out!” Nabooru said.
“I shall freak out if I choose to! Now it’s getting dark, we should head inside,” Link said, escorting everyone inside. Wow, it looks like Farore was in a good mood today. Cool there is a pool house too. That gym is tight! All this for winning poker 1,183 times? Goody! Vibrating chairs!
“However this happened, I don’t care. Hey, before we go to bed, let’s play a board game,” Ruto said.
“Let’s play clue!” Saria squealed. Everyone agreed
“I have never played clue. Will you teach me Link?” Zelda said in a flirty way.
“You have never played clue?” Saria said astonished. Everyone laughed at Zelda.
“You’ll get it as you play,” Nabooru said, “I call Mrs. Peacock!” Link handed her Mrs. Peacock.
“I’m gonna be Mr. Green, no arguments,” Link said grabbing his piece.
“I get dibs on Ms. Scarlet,” Malon said.
“I want to be Ms. Scarlet,” Zelda whined grabbing the piece from Malon.
“It’s mine! Back off, be Colonel Mustard or sumthin,” Malon said trying to get her piece.
“Fine! Just because my arm still hurts from our fight.”
“I win!” Zelda grumbled watching Malon gloat.
“I’ll be Yvette, I guess.....” Zelda said pouting.
“Who the heck is Yvette?” Nabooru asked.
“You know, the maid.”
“That’s Mrs. White!” Saria said.
“No, Mrs. White is a guest,” Zelda said starting to get angry.
“Zel, you are thinking of the movie clue, this is the game clue they are different. Yvette doesn’t exist in the game,” Link said trying not to laugh.
“Fine....I’ll be Mrs. White,” Zelda said doing her pout thing.
“Looks like I’m Mustard,” Ruto said, sighing.
“I’ll deal out the cards and stuff,” Link said after mixing up the cards.
“What’s the order?” Zelda asked.
“It goes Malon, Ruto, you, me, Nabooru, and Saria. Got that?”
“Yeah, and the cards and the notepad?”
“You mark down those cards on the pad, it helps you choose who the murderer is,” Link explained patiently.
“Thanks Linkie,” Zelda said. “So I check Ms. Scarlet, then the conservatory–”
“Zel, you don’t say it out loud. You don’t want us to know what cards you have,” Link said exasperated.
“Oh sorry.” They finally got started in the game, but Zelda interrupted very often.
“I think it’s Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with the with the revolver,” Link said, “can you prove me wrong Zel?”
“Do I show you all my cards Link?”
“Zel....how could a ditz like you get the-the triangle-thingy of wisdom?”
“It’s called the ‘triforce’ Link. Anyway, my question?”
“You show me the card if it’s Colonel Mustard, the kitchen or the revolver,”
“Oh silly me! You told me that already! I can prove you wrong,” Zelda showed Link the card of Colonel Mustard.
“Oh good I know whodunit!” Link said happily.
“What? How could you? We’ve been playing for five minutes and most of that time was explaining everything to Zelda!” Saria said.
“Well I have to wait for my next turn to make an accusation,” Link said coolly. When Link’s turn rolled around again, he did make his accusation, “It was Mrs. White in the kitchen, with the lead pipe. I shall check the cards to see if I am right. I am right.”
“Why am I the murderer?!” Zelda whined.
“You cheated!” Ruto squealed.
“I never cheat,” Link said dangerously.
“You never lost at anything either,” Saria said.
“Well I am tired and I am going to sleep. I call dibs on the couch,” Link said.
“I thought you didn’t sleep, Link.”
“I gotta sleep at least once a week! My doctor said so,” Link said defensively.
“Who would that be....Ingo!” Malon said.
“Leave me alone, or else I’ll just show you how much I need a shrink,” Link said threatingly, pulling out a small dagger.
“Your no fun Link,” Malon said poutingly going upstairs. “I am going to bed.” I really wish they didn’t know me so well! She knew I was bluffing! The rest of the girls went upstairs to go to bed too, all blowing Link a good night kiss. Link didn’t catch any of them.
“Don’t escape Link!” Zelda called from upstairs.
“Without my sword, never!” Link hollered back.
this place is tight. I wanna stay even if I am a hostage who is stuck
playing clue with scary insane girls!
Link slept all night without any nightmares, just dreams about flesh eating jelly donuts eating all his girlfriends.
“Hey Link! Wake up it’s Breakfast time!” Saria hollered from the kitchen.
“Thanks for waking me up when I was in the middle of a great dream!” Link hollered back looking at his watch, “For crying out loud Saria! It’s 6:15 am!”
“I know that silly. I’m sorry for letting you sleep in for so long, now come in and eat some breakfast!” Link grumbled and attempted to walk in the kitchen. He kept running into walls thinking it was a door.
“Who put all these walls here?” Link said grumpily finding his way to the kitchen. He noticed everyone but Saria was as tired as him.
“She won’t let us have any coffee,” Malon said groggily.
“I need coffee otherwise I won’t look beautiful for Link,” Zelda said scratching her armpit.
“I guess it also helps you remember proper etiquette too,” Link mumbled.
“What was that?”
“Oh nuthin Zel, just a yawn.”
“Saria, I think I smell sumthin burning,” Nabooru said standing up.
“My bacon!” Saria shrieked running to the stove. Nabooru snuck around Saria and grabbed a can from the cupboard.
“Victory is mine!” Nabooru hollered, “Oops, I talked.” Saria turned around and saw that Nabooru had a can.
“I thought I said no coffee,” Saria said sternly.
“Um......tough! I’m gonna make some, so there!”
“Not if I can help it!” Saria squeaked running to Nabooru. Nab ran into the other room screaming 'you can’t catch me'. Saria ran after saying 'yes I can'.
“How immature,” Zelda said going to the cupboard grabbing another can, “Link, how do you like your coffee?”
“Black,” Link mumbled.
“All righty, Malon? Ruto?”
“I like mine with cream and sugar,” Malon said.
“I don’t want any, thanks anyway Zelda,” Ruto said.
“Ok,” Zelda said starting to make the coffee.
“Give me the coffee Nab,” Saria said.
“Never! Hey, I smell coffee.” They both ran to the kitchen, “Coffee! Gimme gimme gimme!”
“Sorry Nab, there’s none left, Link likes his coffee really black.”
“Well I can make some with my coffee can.”
“You grabbed a can of chili Nab,” Link said who was reading the Hylian Times Newspaper. Nabooru started to cry. “For the goddesses sake! You can have my coffee. I haven’t drunk it yet. I hope you like it black.”
“Yay!” Nabooru said happily grabbing it and taking a sip. Her eyes bulged and she jumped up high all the way to the ceiling. She somehow stayed up there. Link put down his newspaper and grabbed an apple and started munching. Apples are healthier anyway.
“I guess I better get a broom,” Link said finishing his apple. He went to the broom closet and grabbed one and scraped Nabooru off the ceiling.
“That was entertaining,” Zelda said who now had all her curlers out, green goo mask off and had been magically clothed due to the power of coffee.
“I guess,” Malon replied who also looked like a million bucks.
“I wonder how coffee does that,” Link said seeing
how Nabooru would have looked like a trillion bucks if she didn’t fly into
the ceiling due to the powerful black coffee.
After breakfast, Ruto suggested to go swimming. Everyone but Link agreed
“I wanna practice my poker. It is Friday ya know.”
“But it would be so much fun. Please come Link,” Zelda said doing her puppy face, “plus it would be nice to see you without a shirt on–did I just say that out loud?!” Everyone but Link and Zelda laughed.
“I don’t want to go in! Then you will see my–oops almost said it,”
“What’s the matter Linkie? Got an outy bellybutton?”
Saria said teasingly.
“You have a tattoo! I wanna see it!” Saria yelped.
“Where is it?”
“You guys are never going to see it! And the tattoo is somewhere on my body. So there!”
“Fine Mr. Grumpy-who-won’t-swim-cuz-he-has-a-tattoo-and-he-won’t-show-us-that-tattoo-cuz-he-is-a-stupid-party-pooper don’t show us your tattoo and don’t swim. We will have fun without you,” Zelda said angrily.
“Go ahead, I don’t mind if you have fun without me,” Link said cheerfully grabbing a deck of cards out of his boot. All the girls stormed out of the kitchen obviously furious at Link. I better be on my guard, they might try to sneak a peak at my tattoo. Oh no, I feel the presence of– There was a big puff of blue smoke and the great goddess Nayru appeared.
“Hello Hero of Time. It is I, Nayru of the goddesses three.”
“Hey Nay, oh did you find your beanie baby?”
“What? Oh Farore told you. Yes I did find my royal blue Peanut; Din was using him as a rag! Can you believe it? Oh um Link, the reason I came here... was, because, well um....the Triforce needed um, cleaning! Yeah, cleaning!”
“You came all the way here to see me? How sweet,” Link said artificially sweetly. “You are an awful liar, Nay Nay.”
“Hmmph. That’s not the only reason why I came, though. I just wanted to get away from Din and Farore. Farore ‘accidentally’ ripped Din’s Japanese Mew pokemon card and I–”
“–wanted to get away from the insanity,” Link finished. “Well, you’re eleven hours early for poker, why don’t you chill for a while and watch TV with me or play a board game or sumthin.”
“Let’s play Monopoly,” Nayru said fiendishly.
“Bring it on,” Link said. Nayru began to set up the game.
“I get to be banker and get the race car.”
“Just as long as I get the doggie.”
10 minutes later
“I believe I have won Nay. I own three sides of the board, I have all the railroads, I have two hotels on all of my property, you have your five land deeds on mortgage, and you don’t even have a dollar,” Link said with an air of boredom in his voice.
“That is because you cheat!” Nayru yelled with her eyes turning red.
“I don’t cheat,” Link said coolly, “Now relax Nay, I am not in the mood to get another scar.” Man I hate it when she is a sore loser.
“I’m done swimming Link!” Saria said walking into the room.
“You’ve been swimming for only 10 minutes!”
“It was no fun without you, oh hello Nayru. How are you today?” Nayru just scowled.
“Oh come off it Nay! Don’t take your anger off poor Saria just cuz you can’t handle losing,” Link said exasperated.
“What’s going on in there?” Nab said from outside.
“I think Nayru came to play Monopoly with Link, Nabby,” Saria hollered to Nabooru.
“Don’t call me ‘Nabby’! Besides, Nayru has better things to do than get her goddess butt kicked by Link by those evil board games!” Nabooru said walking into the room. “Oh g-goddess Nayru, how are you today?”
“Why is everybody asking me that? Anyhoo, I didn’t get my butt kicked that bad, well not really.”
“Are you serious? He beat you in like ten minutes! In Monopoly! That game takes like ten years to beat!” Saria said.
“Why you little–wait! Din’s sending me a message,” Nayru listened to Din’s telepathic message and she started to laugh. “She ripped your metapod? How funny! Well I guess I’ll come back up before I get really angry and blow someone up. That was an accident last time! Well I’ll see ya in a sec. Ta-ta!” Nayru ended the message, “Well people, I’m gonna head back up, toodles!” Nayru vanished as Link was waving good-bye. Then out of the blue, there was a blood curdling scream.
“Nab, hand me your lance! I think the girls might be in trouble!” Link said quickly as Nabooru ran to get her lance, “Thanks!” Link ran to the pool house but ran into three frightened girls. He was immediately being smothered to death by them.
“Oh Link! It was horrible!” Zelda cried, “I broke a nail!”
“You were screaming cuz you broke a nail?”
“W-we saw a evil shadow that was like in Zelda’s dream, and....it started to cackle evilly! It was awful!” Ruto managed to say in between her breathing spasms, “I think I’m hyperventilating!”
“Please if you get off me, I’ll take you guys inside where it is safe,” Link said noticing something in the corner of his eye. He took the frantic girls inside and gave them some milk. Don’t ask me why.
“Got Lon Lon milk?” Link said chuckling, “Well I’m gonna go work out.” Man how more cowardly can you get? ‘Oh link save me! An evil shadow! It will mess up my tan! Help!’ Link began to think while he was working out in his green wife-beater. Oh great they are spying on me! I hate, no. Loathe women. Link tried to ignore the girls while doing some tae bo type thingy. They’re like peeping Tommy-girls! “Could you girls please stop spying on me?” Link asked as sweetly as he could. Zelda, Malon, Ruto, were astonished they were seen behind the dumbbells.
“We were, like, totally trying to see like your tattoo,” Zelda said talking like a valley girl.
“Why are you talking like that Zel?” Link asked.
“Talking like what?” Zelda said in her normal voice.
“You are so messed up Zelda!” Malon said.
“You guys are never going to see my tattoo of br–oops. Almost said it.”
“Link! Get your butt down here! The goddesses are here to see you!” Saria hollered.
“Have I really been working out that long? Wow!” Link walked into the room where the goddesses were, “hey wazzup Homes?”
“Prepare to lose your shirt Hero of Time,” Nayru said evilly, “Nabby has volunteered that all your girlfriends are gonna play poker with us. Strip poker.”
“Don’t call me Nabby!” Nab said.
“We shall play in teams,” Din said pulling out a hat with the sobe logo on it. Why a sobe hat? Cuz sobe rules and it is yummy! The teams were: Link/Zelda, Nabooru/Din, Ruto/Nayru, Malon/Farore.
“Saria, since you are too young, you can be the official get-us-food person,” Nab said.
“Ok!” Saria said happily, “I’ll go get some popcorn and booze!”
“We have booze?”
“No, I won’t allow it. I just like saying ‘booze’,” Saria said heading for the kitchen.
“Link, I don’t know how to play poker!” Zelda whispered to Link.
“You have lots of clothes that’s all we need. Let me do all the talking got that?”
“Good!” Nayru started to deal the cards. Zelda got to the cards before Link did.
“Link! I think we are cheating!” Zelda shrieked.
“Zelda, hush! We haven’t done anything. And I never cheat.”
“But look, we have four queens and an ace!” Zelda said showing everyone the cards. Link smacked his forehead while everyone folded, “Does that mean I get some of your clothes?”
“Yes Zelda....” This continued for the next hour. Zelda miraculously won every time. Link didn’t even lift a finger. He was shocked. Shocked.
“Hey Link, let’s go to Vegas, get rich, and get married!” Zelda said happily.
“No. Three reasons: A: we are under age to gamble; B: you are already rich, C: I am never getting married again!”
“Fine! Be a party pooper!” Zelda pouted, “Why is everyone in their undergarments?”
“You won all our clothes. Remember?” Malon said through gritted teeth.
“Oh yeah! I forgot. Silly me.”
“Well we must be going,” Farore said quickly.
“What’s the rush?” Link asked.
“She left her Tamagotchi unattended in her room behind her giant Leonardo Dicaprio poster,” Din said making sure everyone heard that.
“Those things were so four years ago! Leo? Ewww!” Zelda said.
“Hmmph,” Farore said vanishing.
Since Link sleeps only once a week, he stayed up
doing all sorts of various things. He attempted to bake a cake, but
he forgot the baking soda. He tried to burn off his tattoo, but he
didn’t due to there being no matches. He then went to the archery
range and realized he could call on Epona to get him out of here.
He pulled out his fairy ocarina and played Epona’s song. When Epona
came, he wondered if he should leave. After all, this place was cool,
but he then decided he should get back to civilization before he accidentally
killed someone due to cabin fever. It’s not that I hate them.
Well, I only dislike them. I just miss Ingo! Well not really.
Link hopped on Epona and began to trot away. Epona didn’t seem to
want to go, but she reluctantly went. I’m getting bad vibes!
Link thought. He then saw someone run in front of Epona.
Epona reared up and Link fell off and hit his head. He became unconscious.
2 hours later
Link woke up in the pool house all tied up. “How did I end up here?” Link thought out loud.
“I brought you here,” a familiar scary, eerie voice said.
“Oh no! Please stay back!” Link yelped.
“It seems Link has ran off,” Saria said sadly.
“How could he?” Zelda cried, “We were going to let him go......eventually.”
“Well, since Link isn’t here anymore, I guess we
should all go home,” Malon said sadly.
“W-why are you here? Can’t you just leave me in peace, ma’am?” Link asked weakly.
“Come now deary, no need to call me ‘ma’am’. After all, we are no longer married!” Gem said cackling.
“Please let me go.”
“Not until I get what I want.”
“Eww! I ain't gonna have sex with you!
Get away from me!” Link managed to holler at the top of his lungs.
“Did you here something?” Zelda asked Malon.
“Yeah. It sounded like it came from the pool
house. Should we check it out?”
“This is a real dumb hideout ya know, G,” Link said starting to cool down, “My friends will find me eventually.”
“Those cowards? They’re afraid of my shadow for crying out loud! Besides, they’ll be too late. Now look into my eyes.....”
“Never!” but it was to late, Link got a glimpse of Gem’s icy green eyes.
“Good, now who am I?”
“You are my master. I am only here to serve
you,” Link said in a monotone voice. Gem smiled and untied Link.
“I really think we should check out that noise,” Malon said.
“I agree. Malon, get Link’s sword,” Zelda ordered. Malon pulled out the sword out of her shirt.
“Wow Malon. Who knew you could hide a sword there! I never noticed,” Saria said astounded.
“I am wearing a wonder bra,” Malon said with an air of haughtiness.
“Let’s go!” said Nabooru. They all went to the pool house cautiously.
“You go in first Nabby!” Zelda hissed.
“Don’t call me Nabby! Why do I have to go first?” Nab whined.
“Cuz you are the bravest,” Ruto hissed.
“Since now!” Zelda said pushing Nab into the door.
“Ouch....the door is locked,” Nab said quietly pulling
herself off the door, “But since I am a thief, I can pick the lock.”
Nab pulled a bobby pin out of Zelda’s hair and started to pick.
“Now jump like a bunny, slave!” Gem ordered.
“Yes master–No! Must fight the evilness.” Link jumped.
“Now take off your boots,” Link reluctantly took off his boots, “Now take off your tights.”
“They’re spandex!” Link mumbled still in a monotone voice.
“Fine! Take off your spandex,” Gem said exasperated. Link hesitated, but did as he was told, “You still wear those awful triforce boxers! I thought I disposed of those.”
“Sorry master, when will you learn you can’t take away my boxers?”
“Shut up and take off your tunic!”
“Isn’t there some small country you should be running as dictator?” Link asked pulling off his tunic.
“I really hate that tattoo. Now take off your–” The door was kicked open by Nabooru.
“When picking doesn’t work, I kick. I am a tenth degree black belt after all,” Nab bragged to Zelda. “Oh hi Gem......Gem!!”
“We don’t like you, go away! Link put on some clothes, wait scratch that,” Zelda ordered.
“Don’t tell me what to do princess, now Link take off your–”
“How’d you find us Gem?” Saria asked.
“I have been stalking Link. It is very easy to stalk someone when I have a piece of him. Say his.....hat! He is very annoying, but he has a great bod,” Link started to whimper.
“You had your turn with him at Camp, and when you were married!” Zelda shrieked.
“Um, Zel. That one night in the tent, well I am very good at making shadow puppets. That’s all you saw,” Link mumbled still in monotone.
“B-but the honeymoon?”
“Link ate a bad oyster. He ruined the whole trip by getting sick.” Gem said furiously.
“Link’s still a virgin?” Nabooru said astonished.
“Yes I am still a virgin! Now please make Gem go away! I don’t want anyone to see my bits and pieces!” Link yelled no longer in monotone.
“Oh no! The spell is breaking!” Gem shrieked. She then got her purse and pulled out a light.
“Ahh! It’s Navi!” Link screamed jumping up. Everyone backed away from Gem, “Don’t do anything harsh Gem.”
“I won’t do anything harsh, I’ll just let her go!” Before she could do that, she was hit by a beam of pink light and disappeared. All was left of her was her purse.
“Yay! Thanks Zelda,” Link said giving Zelda a kiss, and Malon, Nabooru, Saria, and even Ruto. He then ran to Gem’s purse and began to look through her things. He then pulled out a green elf hat. His hat! “Yay!”
Saria began to get out of her daze and yelled, “Look at Link’s tattoo!” All the girls looked at Link’s back and began to laugh hysterically.
“A tattoo of her! How funny!” Malon managed to say in between in her laughs. Link’s tattoo covered about 1/8 of his back and it was of Britney Spears with that chair like in the ‘stronger’ music video in that black outfit.
“Link spill it,” Zelda ordered.
“Well right after I got married to Gem, I was really
depressed. You know she was always hypnotizing me to sleep with her,
but my will power was too strong. I usually hung out at the bar and
one night I got really really really really......”
10 minutes later
“.......really really really drunk. I woke up in the middle of Hyrule Field with that tattoo on me, and I also had my tongue pierced,” Link showed the girls his tongue, “well I guess I better get dressed now.” Link put on his clothes. He then wondered about something, “Zelda, where did you put Gem?”
“Let’s just say Ganon has a new roommate in the dark realm.”
“I don’t know who to feel sorry for,” Link said.
It has been a week since the Gem problem and the goddesses blew up the villa cuz they are sore losers. However, Link did butter up Farore to build him a house in Hyrule Field by Lake Hylia. Of course it wasn’t as cool as the other one. It had an average kitchen, 1 bedroom, a TV room, a deck with a hot tub, and a entry. We find Link in his new house with all his girlfriends in *gasp* his hot tub.
“Stop staring,” Link said, agitated. Everyone continued to stare at Link’s six pack.
“You’re just too sexy Link,” Malon said blushing.
“You know what I have to say about the past week guys?” Link said.
“The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return?”
“No Saria, I know it’s unbelievable, but I think I am in love with Zelda.”
“Oh Link! I love you too!” Zelda cried happily.
Everyone was astounded with Link’s remark. Link and Zelda got married
the next week, Zelda was ‘nice’ enough to let all the other girls be bridesmaids
at the wedding. Link had Darunia be the best man since he was his
only friend that wasn’t a girl, but then again, I think Darunia might be
a hermaphrodite. The only problem was, he had to rescue Zelda on average,
three times a week. He did hate that part of the marriage, but he
amazingly made an ok king. They had one kid, a girl.
That’s what could’ve happened.....
“You know what I have to say about the past week guys?”
“There’s a reason why they call them jawbreakers?”
“Wrongo Saria. Malon, will you marry me?”
“Yes! Vegas here we come!” Link and
Malon ran away from the angry mob fo girls to Las Vegas. They got
fake I.D.s, got rich off blackjack, got married, bought an island for them
to share. They had 5 kids, all girls. To their disappointment,
they all entered politics.
Here’s another way it could have happened!
“You know what I have to say about the past week guys?”
“Pepsi tastes like laundry detergent?”(sorry Pepsi lovers)
“I already knew that, Saria. I have learned that even if people look different, it doesn’t mean you can’t love them. I think I am in love with Ruto.”
“Eww!” everyone but Link and Ruto said.
“It just shows I’m not interested in looks.
Plus it’s only fair, after all, I am engaged to her. It’s only fair,”
Link said giving Ruto a kiss. “Let’s go to Zora’s Domain to tell your people
the good news, honey bunch.” Link and Ruto left the disgusted group
and went to Zora’s Domain to get hitched. Ruto’s subjects didn’t
mind the odd couple. Unfortunately, Zelda called ‘Jerry Springer’
and Ruto and Link were guests. How humiliating! After the Jerry
incident, they decided to get married secretly. Their honeymoon was
at sea world, and they had one kid. The less you know about the kid,
Egads! Another ending
“You know what I have to say about the past week guys?”
“You should never pierce an outy?”
“How random do you get Saria? I’ve always bees a fan of older women, Nab.....I know you Gerudos don’t like men, but could you make an exception?”
“Oh yes! Yes! Yes!” Nabooru said right before kissing Link passionately.
“What is this? An herbal essence commercial?”
Link and Nabooru ran off from the dumbfounded hot tubbers to go to Gerudos
Fortress. Link became the new king of the Gerudos and was far better
than Ganon. They had twins. Girls. They became the best
fighters of their generation. Link’s hobbies were: fighting, poker,
thus behold another ending!
“You know what I have to say about the past week guys?”
“You are madly in love with me?”
“No, I wanted to say I am madly in love with you,”
“Link! She’s a child!” Zelda cried.
“I can fix that! Oh Farore, will you make Saria look like an eighteen year old Hylian?” Bada bing bada boom Saria was turned into an eighteen year old Hylian with green hair?
“This feels so cool to be an adult!” Saria said happily.
“No fair! She didn’t have to go through puberty,” Zelda pouted.
“Damn! You are fine!” Link said astonished.
“Why thank you, I think.” Link and Saria got
married ASAP. They had no kids. Trojan man.
Another end Yay!
“You know what I have to say about the past week guys?”
“Life is like a box of chocolates. If there is a walnut you die?”
“Um, no. I learned–”
“Uh oh! It’s Darunia!” the girls yelped diving under the water.
“Gori is with him!” Link moaned as Darunia and Gori approached.
“Link, if you want to be respected by the gorons, you must marry Gori–or die!” Darunia said shaking his fist.
“I choose death!” Link said quickly.
“Tough tooties.” Before we know it Link was
forced to marry Gori. On the honeymoon Link committed suicide leaving
a note: Never screw a goron if you are hylian! Very high risk of
drumroll Yay! The final and true ending. Thus meaning the ending that really happened
Link in a hot tub with his girlfriends. Hah! That’s a laugh. He is in the TV room playing clue.
“Why am I always Mrs. White? I hate this game! I’ll probably be the murderer again,” Zelda whined.
“I would like to make an accusation, it was me, in the hall, with the revolver,” Link said, “oh look I was right.”
“I am surprised you are not sore at us for not kidnapping you Link,” Saria said cleaning up the board game.
“Who says I’m not,” Link said smiling evilly. He then stunned each girl by kissing her on the cheek. I am glad I found their weakness. Link tied them all up to chairs, taped their eyelids so they couldn’t blink, and put in a video of Ganon, Bill Gates, and Richard Simmons modeling speedos!
Link let the girls go three days later. Of
course they were scarred for life now. Ingo got his pay check after
Link won poker again. The goddesses canceled poker night forever.
Darunia forgave the girls for tying him up. Link no longer sees his
shrink, because he has accepted the fact that he is irresistible wether
he likes it or not.
Author's Note: Well did you guys
like my story? I was watching clue when I was writing it. That is
where I got the idea to make alternate endings. I know it was
bizarre. Please e-mail me your comments.